Mrs. Robinson: The Expired Seductress

When people think of the 1967 iconic rom-com The Graduate, they often interpret it as a story of youth. It’s all about figuring out who you are, where you should be, and who you should be with when you’re finished with your schooling years.

However, I would say that this is also a story about aging. No one remembers the name of Dustin Hoffman’s character (even if they love the clip of him screaming “Elaine”) but everyone remembers his middle-aged lover, Mrs. Robinson.

But yet – she’s an icon. We all know her name. Some would call her an archetype in herself – the cougar. But she’s a little deeper.

Mrs. Robinson got together with her husband when she was very young. She dropped out of college after getting pregnant and married a man she didn’t love. She is now a standard paint-by-the-numbers housewife, raising her daughter and making dinner each night. 

Mrs. Robinson is a fascinating character and also a psychological study of what I’d call an “expired seductress.” This is a woman who was born a siren. She’s beautiful, charismatic, and of course, sexy.

When she meets Benjamin (that’s the name of Dustin Hoffman’s character, by the way), he has his entire life ahead of him. He’s got so many choices he’s frozen with indecision. He has all the time that Mrs. Robinson can never get back.

When Mrs. Robinson seduces Benjamin, she controls everything. Where they meet, when they meet, and for how long. She even brings their rendezvous to the room of her daughter, who she resents so deeply.

But then things start to change. After Mrs. Robinson opens up to Benjamin about how she feels her life has been wasted, he starts to withdraw from her. When she forbids him from ever going on a date with her daughter, he not only takes Elaine out and to the hotel, they are having their affair, he decides he is going to marry her.

Benjamin becomes obsessed with the daughter. He not only replaces Mrs. Robinson with her but is more committed to the daughter than her mother – despite the fact they’ve only been on one date.

Mrs. Robinson starts out both her relationships – with her husband and Benjamin – with seduction. Elaine, in contrast breaks into tears when Benjamin takes her to a strip club.

She never developed a relationship that was real. It wasn’t rooted in honesty and intimacy, and rather than acknowledging it wasn’t working, she settled into the quiet desperation of a suburban housewife. As she became older, she hooks up with Benjamin, who offers her nothing. No commitment, no positive qualities, no emotional support – he isn’t even a great lover!

Instead, Benjamin humiliates her. He calls her an alcoholic, lies to her, pursues her daughter sexually, and exposes the affair. The more Elaine is forbidden the more he wants her - the fact it’s so upsetting to Mrs. Robinson makes the chase more appealing.

Mrs. Robinson falsely believed that seducing Benjamin would make him hers, that he would give her control or respect in return. She figured that she was the older, more powerful person in the relationship, but the tables turned once she sought for a real connection. He ran for the hills, and into the arms of her daughter.

If you start there, it will unlikely translate into a real relationship. My advice is if you’re going to have a sexual affair, make sure you are capable fully of guarding your heart. As women age, you become more detached from developing an emotional relationship with your lovers. However, Mrs. Robinson was not as passe as she thought.

Sometimes women pursue sexual partners who they know are not long-term material because they are consider them subpar. They’re not the dream man, so they won’t power to hurt me. However, they have the power to humiliate you, which is more painful than heartbreak. The reality is that any partner can have the ability to cause damage, no matter what age, quality, or scenario.

In my practice, I find that it is extremely dangerous for a married person to have an affair with a single one. You have everything to lose; they have little. Throughout the film, we never learn Mrs. Robinson’s first name. Even Benjamin calls her by her title in bed. Her marriage is her whole identity – even her last name belongs to her partner.

My advice for Mrs. Robinson is to go back to the drawing board. Stop trying to hold onto your youth. You need to find passion and purpose outside of a relationship altogether. Maybe it’s a career, an activity, or a cause. She needs to become more than “Mrs.” and that isn’t by having an affair with younger – or even older – men. 

I wouldn’t necessarily tell her to leave her husband, but I’m not inclined to encourage her to do so. 

Sadly, the pickings are slim at her age, and as tragic as it is, her child-rearing years are done. However, she needs to find some financial independence in case her husband ends things, find satisfaction and love, and get to really know herself.

Now, let’s talk about her relationship with her daughter. During the iconic wedding scene (where Benjamin turns Elaine into a runaway bride), Mrs. Robinson chases after to them and says, “it’s too late!” This refers to the fact Elaine is already married. But her daughter screams back, “not for me!” She means that it’s too late for Mrs. Robinson to find love - or at least be with Benjamin.  

Running away with this player isn’t going to be positive, either. He hasn’t grown or changed.

Mrs. Robinson is not just a seductress; she’s a mother. If she were my client, I would tell her to let go of her relationship with Benjamin and the humiliation it caused. This is not worth losing her daughter over.

Even if she’s jealous of her daughter’s youth, she needs to honor her role as a devoted mother. A lot of women with the seductress archetype are terrible mothers because they are jealous of their daughter’s appearance and power over men. But an evolved goddess of sex respects the different phases of life and that it’s time for their “Elaines” to have their moment in the sun. Mrs. Robinson had hers - even if she wasted it. She chose to do what she wanted to do; now it is Elaine’s turn.

It’s easier to avoid resentment and jealousy by having a full life, where you choose courage over caution, follow your passions, and persevere when things don’t go your way. Mrs. Robinson got married because she got pregnant, but that only option. It was the safest one. But long-term it may have been more destructive than giving the child up or raising it on her own.

In psychology, we believe that you can look back on your life with integrity and despair. You can have feelings of success, wisdom, and acceptance. Or, if you have not lived your life with integrity you will feel bitterness, regret, ruminating over mistakes, feeling that life was wasted, and depression.

We can look at The Graduate as a comedy or a tragedy. But in reality, Mrs. Robinson’s affair with Benjamin wasn’t tragic, it was her life before.